photo: Bradley Meinz
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It's your last day in New York. What do you want to do? Where are you going to eat?
It's my last day? That's so sad. I guess I'd go eat sushi at Mura in Park Slope, on Fifth Avenue. I'd eat 17 passion rolls. They're the best-they have tuna and mango. It's always good when you put mango on fish, I think.
Any sights you want to see one last time?
I might just stay in Brooklyn. Or actually, I'd walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, and when I got into Manhattan I'd buy some paint. Then I'd paint a giant mural on the side of the Flatiron. A giant piece of triple-layer cherry pie. You know, I think I'm hungry.
Then what?
Hmm. What's everyone else saying? Is everyone, like, taking Ecstasy and jumping off the Empire State Building? Is anyone throwing a party?
Matt & Kim want to throw a dance party.
Then I'm going to their party. That's what I want to do. I'm so boring—all I ever do in New York is go to comedy shows.
Then what's your ideal final comedy show?
I'd like to do a big improv show with my improv team. Actually, an improv/comedy sketch show. And let's just go ahead and do it at Carnegie Hall, just to be clichè.
What other New Yorkers would you want onstage?
Björk. I want Björk to perform. Actually, I want Björk and Sufjan Stevens to sing me a good-bye duet that turns into an hour-and-a-half jam session.
Who's in the audience?
Everyone else in New York. Actually, no one really has to be in the audience. It could be all cardboard cutouts. I don't mind.
If the Apocalypse were coming, what would be a fitting end for New York?
It would be pretty great if there was a flash of radiation in the sky-just like this giant flash, and then rain, and then everybody turned into zombies. Not just one zombie, not like, Oh, no! But everyone. Super-mellow zombies. But then I guess zombies live forever, so it wouldn't really be the end. Does that count?
I think it counts.
Or maybe someone drops a huge ice bomb and everyone's frozen exactly as they are in the last moment. Like Pompeii. I'd like to preserve it, you know? Or maybe someone pours a resin over the city and turns it into a big, plastic ice cube. No, a snowglobe! Yes, a resin and a massive, beautiful snowglobe for God to play with.
What would you miss most about the city?
The drinking and not having to drive part. That's huge. Well, and the energy of the city. I'd miss that.
Avail yourself of Kristen's humorous escapades at myspace.com/kristenschaal, and also watch more Flight of the Conchords, you ponce.
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